so i ran with the devil, left a trail of excuses, like a stone on the water the elements decide my fate

last semester i had awesome professors. they were excellence personified. knowledgeable, experienced, and entertaining, they made classes really enjoyable. it seems like, in order to compensate for that overload of amazingness, this semester has blessed me with professors that are just not up to snuff. that, or i got really spoiled last semester. my tuesday night professor is the epitome of boring (although he accidentally moved us to a class with computers. you should've seen his face), constantly confused, and really awkward. he doesn't know how to dismiss class, and we end up wasting an extra half hour while he struggles to do it. my thursday night professor came in half an hour late today. he had also called all the students in the online section and said it was cancelled. when his boss found out today he got really pissed. apparently my professor doesn't want to learn how to use the e-distance software. while i haven't seen enough of him to judge how much he knows or doesn't know about his topic, he acts like we're three year olds and being talked down to gets old fast.

anyway, that was just a long introduction to the fact that i wrote this today in class. once i started writing it went in a completely different direction than what i had in my head. don't you just love when that happens? (i'm not really sure if i meant that sarcastically or not :/.)

***
I let the accusations burning in your eyes scorch my skin, branding me with every false smile and unkept promise I ever made. I unclench my fists, and the poor excuses and elaborate lies fall slowly to land by my feet. I press my lips together to hold back the words fighting for their freedom. I will not try to talk my way out of this one. I will lower my shields and clench my jaw and take every blow you aim at me.

You pull out shards that sparkle in the light and declare them our broken future. You remind me of days we spent building it together, fine tuning the details and smoothing out the rough edges. And you remind me of the night I tiptoed softly through the dark to smash it alone.

You hold your heart up and show me how I broke what I once vowed to make whole. You show me the bruises on your ego and the wounds my words slashed through your confidence. You keep the ashes of your dreams that I sent up in flames in a mason jar on your shelf. Your muscles ache from trying to empty the water from our sinking boat, and I have blisters on my hands from drilling holes into the sides.

You saved all the acid that ever seasoned my words and pour it on me now to dissolve my over-inflated sense of self-worth. You pile every insincere apology and false note that ever fell from my lips onto my shoulders to bring me to my knees and make me feel as small as you did. You let loose all the tears I made you cry until I am drowning in them. Blame falls from trembling lips, more desperate than angry, and all I can do is drop my eyes and whisper, "I know."

***
just for the record, it took me two and a half hours to type this up. i reallyreallyreally did not feel like typing. and i also left out some of the end because it was just way too long. blech. and the title is just what is stuck in my head at the moment because i do not feel like thinking up a relevant one.

*Bling (Confession of a King) - The Killers