Wednesday, February 23, 2011

you left me

i had everything under control. i really did. all the stress was compartmentalized into tiny pieces making up a giant whole, so nothing was overwhelming. in small parts, everything was taken care of. but do you know the downside of building something up from small parts? you can't let one piece crumble without affecting all the other pieces. when something taken care of is suddenly not, anxiety can come creeping in through the tiny whole. and i don't know how familiar you are with anxiety, but she doesn't like to go anywhere without panic and distress, so you know it's only a matter of time before they're here too, most likely with hysteria tagging along for the ride. and they like nothing more than to break down walls and let the stress come pouring out.

i could handle being part of a pathetic group, because at the end of the day, we could make it work. what i can't handle is, the day before class, one person (who by the way was in charge of most of the know-how parts) saying that he had been toying with an idea in his head for a while now and was going to go off on his own. um, you couldn't have let me know this before when i was throwing ideas at you people like they were going out of style? i'm not even asking that you comment on any of the ideas (which by the way neither of them did). just a quick, "hey, i think i'm gonna jump ship and let you drown" would be nice. so now i'm left with the girl who we let in out of pity, who can barely speak english, and who seems to know even less than me about things - which is really saying something. my program has no hands-on anything. everything we are taught is strictly theory because the school is cheap when it comes to academics, but that's a post for another day. and mr. professor of this program doesn't want theory because they do a lot of hands-on crap. i don't want to do hands-on crap. i don't have the time or the energy for it.

the thing that really kills me is that i had an idea okayed by the professor early on and was thinking of ditching my group but didn't for various reasons. and now i can't ditch miss know-nothing because it's too mean. and we don't have a new project proposal yet. and class is tomorrow. and i get an email from her today saying, "it looks like it's just us now. i was thinking we could go with your idea to do this, or possibly with your idea to do that. we could also look further into your suggestion of whatever." um, thanks for copy pasting the broad topic ideas i put out there earlier. i had forgotten what they were. now let me run off and narrow them down into a well-thought out project while you figure out how to turn on your computer. oh, and don't worry about giving me any direction about what you prefer to do, i'll just come up with something that you hate so you can shoot it down last minute like you did last week. no big deal.

a ridiculously large chunk of this grade is given by the class via survey while we are presenting. (every grade gets averaged in, so if someone gives you a zero your grade will plummet. you are not allowed to give everyone hundreds which sucks for the very few of us not in the ISA program that don't have any friends in the class. you know we'll be the ones getting the Bs.) the petty person inside of me is planning on giving the ditcher a bad grade purely out of spite. while i won't actually let her do that, it's fun to think about.

in other news, i wrote something last night that gave me one of those moments where i think, "wow i really do write disturbing things. what is wrong with me?" whenever this has happened in the past, people think the piece is less disturbing than usual (which makes me wonder about how differently my mind works from theirs), but i think you'll probably agree with me on this one. since it's something that i would usually just trash, i'm obviously going to type it up and post it on here when i get the chance. you know, so you can all try and figure out what exactly it is about my head that drains color out of the rainbows and claws off the smiles from every face that i like to read about.

*Congratulations - Blue October


  1. When I first started reading, I thought yey, creative stuff... Then I hit the bit about the idea you had okayed with the professor >< sorry

    I hate it when stuff like that is clearly gonna be based on popularity... I always fail there. I am a social recluse a lot of the time. I just don't like things other people like, and I don't see things the same way or do things they do...

    Also, I hate people who arts like "whatever you want to do is fine with me because I don't care" You know straight away that you'll be doing all the work and they'll up half the credit. Makes me soo mad.

  2. yeah sorry, no creativity, just ranting. and i'm the exact same way, so in times like this where no one really knows most others beyond the initial first impression, i usually end up with the short end of the stick at the end of the popularity contest.

    sometimes, i actually don't mind doing most of the work. whenever we have group papers, i hate putting in people's parts when they're poorly written and end up rewriting a lot of it (though a bunch of people got mad for me changing what they had) so that we would get a better grade. projects like these, though, that slacker attitude is going to be a problem.

  3. yeah i'm not a group worker either. esp at isa. i HATED giving any parts to anyone and usually did the whole thing by myself.

  4. it's good to know that i'm not the only one that has issues with sharing the work. but i really don't want my grade or my name or anything to depend on work that someone else did.