Tuesday, January 31, 2012

and i am so overwhelmed

yesterday was... overwhelming to say the very least. in fact, i'm still feeling overwhelmed and slightly panicked.

see, despite everything i said, i applied for the phd program with absolutely no expectation of getting accepted. as far as i was concerned, after my master's i was done with school. because i am so ready to be done. applying was really just my way to get everyone who was telling me to continue off my back. at least then i could say, "i was going to continue but i didn't get accepted." it was the best way to end all future conversations/arguments/lectures regarding the subject. so when i finished my last class last semester, in my head, i was done forever.

but then things went wrong. mason, going against its word on acceptance requirements, let me in. not only did they let me in, but they let me in late. yesterday i went to get my scholarship upgraded so they'd pay for my next stupid degree. they said they couldn't do anything until i was registered. since my account was still on hold at mason and they said it would be for the next five days, i thought, okay great i won't be able to get this done this semester. but my dad was with me so we went to mason to see. they took the hold off of my account on the spot and i was able to register yesterday morning. (oh, just to throw this out there, the adviser mason originally assigned me to is on leave. thanks for that, mason.) i then went back to the scholarship people and got them to present my file in a special meeting yesterday instead of waiting for the normal one in a few days. i went to my first class yesterday.

now, this would all be great if i actually wanted to continue. if i was ready for it. my dad was ecstatic at the way everything was just falling into place, as was everyone else the story was related to. me? i just felt rushed and panicked. and overwhelmed. really, really really overwhelmed.

after expecting to never step into a classroom again as a student, now i'm starting back up again completely unprepared. i'm behind and lost and so totally not in the mood for this. i know i could have deferred my acceptance for a semester, but i also know that if i did i would be even less prepared later. once i stop, i'm stopping for good. but now i have to look into qualifying exams and people to put on my faculty committee or whatever and all of these other things that i hadn't looked into because i was not supposed to get in. i have absolutely no idea what i'm doing.

i was done. and now i'm suddenly not. overwhelmed does not even begin to cover it.

*Broken Wings - Flyleaf


  1. anonymous hippopotamusFebruary 1, 2012 at 10:34 PM

    it'll be over soon and who knows you might end up missing it! :D

  2. i dunno... i was doing pretty well not missing it a couple of weeks ago.