so i just got out of my exam. if my calculations are correct, i can't get lower than an 85, and probably got a 90. so im happy, not that i was too stressed about it (despite the vibes coming off the previous post. i swear that wasnt stress talking.). the meeting turned out to be 5 minutes since my group didnt show up so it was me and the professor for a few minutes. i asked a couple of questions and left. and the studying? yeah i didnt do much of that.

so what did i do all day besides rant in my blog?? well, i just got that book last night and started reading it even though i said i'd wait for the weekend.

and my brain is still malfunctioning just in case you were wondering. but if i could take an exam without it (it's still insistent on that lame duck thing. i cant get it out of my head) then ive decided i can do pretty much without it for the rest of the semester.

actually, this is the first time i've felt completely on top of everything so far. and all it took was for me to lose my brain. i consider it a fair trade.

i have an exam today. i have not studied. at all. i have not paid attention in class. at all. my brain does not want to function. the phrase "you should never shoot a lame duck in the beak" has been going through my head all day. i have no idea why or how it came up with that, but its there. going over and over and over.

i have four post drafts just from this morning haunting me. paragraphs and paragraphs that end midword or midsentence of stuff that i just cant write let alone publish, but really should because if i dont i will surely explode. and i cant afford to explode because i have a busy day. studying and meetings and taking exams.

none of which i can do because my brain refuses to function.

and no, none of this has anything to do with stress i swear.

GAH!!

you should never shoot a lame duck in the beak.

stupid brain. this is not the time to malfunction.

this anxiety i keep through another f*cking day. my life's so pitiful.

you know the worst part about this semester?? people are starting to pity me. i'm being pitied. and i hatehatehate it. i abhor pity. even the sound of the word makes me angry. pity... yuck. i can handle the stress, ive resigned myself to failing, i can deal with the fact that we've been thrown into a project with absolutely no background skills and no time to learn any (stupid mason for cancelling the security senior design section last semester). i can live with all that. what i cannot live with is people feeling sorry for me. talking about me to other people in hushed tones so i dont hear them (the fact that im not deaf seems to have slipped their notice) as they discuss "my fall." yes, apparently i fell from power i was not aware of having this semester. huh. if appearing like i am not completely on top of everything school related for once warrants your pity, then from now on i will (at least on the outside) be as unstressed and ready for anything as ever. you will not, for the duration of the semester, hear one word of stress or overwhelmingness or bewilderment or anything pass my lips. i will not speak of it out loud. i will not write about it in my blog. i will not let it show on my face. it will stay hidden under the layers of nonchalance i am actually pretty good at conjuring. nervous breakdowns will be confined to my dreams.

i would rather be stabbed to death by a dull pencil than be pitied. it's that bad.

*Pitiful - Sick Puppies

you take this bat and bash my head into the street again

top five reasons i think my professor is on crack:

1) we have our big projects to work on. projects that take up lots of time and are really important. so of course it makes sense for you to give us weekly assignments of stuff that we did last semester, like calling cards and resumes. and then, on top of that, give us other presentations and research projects too. and because thats obviously not enough, please let us plan out your marketing strategy for your book. there is nothing i would love more. except of course random pop quizzes on random facts that pop up in bloomberg, the wall street journal, the economist, barons, the washington post, the new york times, and bbc. oh, and those self-help books from amazon that you keep sending me links to telling me to read the first chapter and then buy them?? i ran straight out and bought each and every one of them. i look forward to reading them in all the free time i have. unless of course i'm working out which is another one of your weekly assignments for us.

2) no, cyborgs will not be walking the earth in your lifetime - and not just because your lifetime is looking pretty short if you dont calm the hell down with the crap you give us to do. it will not happen so stop telling me it will with that stupid smug look on your face like you are all-knowing and sharing some of your knowledge with us little people. and that alien abduction?? yeah, that didnt happen either.

3) we will also not be making designer babies in the next ten years. i watched gattaca too. but it was just a movie. as in, not real. as in, you will not be able to help choose out your grandkid's personality traits from a catalog. the fact that you think you will scares me.

4) "fine" is a perfectly normal reply to the question "how are you all doing?" it does not warrant a freaking attack of the giggles. and when we elaborate (after you ask us to) with "we're working on our projects," that does not give you any reason to break into a full fit of laughter. it is not funny... unless you are a) drunk or b) high. you should not need to collapse into a chair and gasp for breath after that very common answer. i dont care if it does "fill your heart with joy to hear it."

5) maybe in your world where everything is sunshine and butterflies, a college graduate can demand over 70k from their first job, but this is the real world, and that does not happen. we also cannot demand to work four-hour work weeks. working from home from the start is also not an option. i do not appreciate the looks of sadness that come over you when i tell you this. you cannot force me to "not sell myself short" nor can you convert me to whatever crap you believe in. maybe i want to be "a slave to my career." frankly, it's none of your business.

*Overweight - Blue October

i'm growing weary of the point you've been trying to make

i hate it when people, in their about me's, say stuff like 'i hate fake people' and 'i hate two-faced people.' umm... seriously?? do you really hate them?? cause for the rest of us, who werent smart enough to put that in our profiles, those are our favorite kinds of people. given the choice between a two-faced fake person and someone else, we'd obviously choose the fake person. theres no one better to be friends with, no one better to hang out with. a knife in our backs is our favorite present and worrying if our friends are really our friends is our favorite pastime. you should probably also mention in your activities that you do things like breathe and pump blood through your body. we need to know things like this that set you apart from the rest of us.

i do like reading interesting about me's though.

on another note, i was saving a movie i made for class on my flash drive and it was taking forever and half way through saving i pulled out the flash drive. i dont know why. now, i have to resave it. and it's taking forever. again. grr.

on another another note, i want to set up our kiln and buy clay and get back into ceramics.

*Come Right Out and Say It - Relient K

i'm stuck inside this rut that i fell into by mistake

do you know how many blog posts i have started and deleted today?? well, i didnt exactly keep count, but there have been a lot. there are things i want to say, but my thoughts have been choppy and my words wont flow. it's obnoxious to say the least.

soooo because i really should post something today, since ive been struggling for a while, here's a quiz i saw on another blog and thought id do. all the answers are the songs of a band.

Pick your Artist:
Relient K

Are you a female:
Plead the Fifth

Describe yourself:
More than Useless

How do you feel:
Apathetic Way to Be

Describe where you currently live:
The Scene and Herd

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Balloon Ride

Your favorite form of transportation:
Jefferson Aeroplane

Your best friend is:
Nancy Drew

You and your best friend are:
College Kids

What's the weather like:
High of 75

Favourite time of day:
Breakfast at Timpani's

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Chapstick, Chapped Lips, and Things Like Chemistry

What is life to you:
Forward Motion

Your relationship:
Gibberish

Your fear:
Deathbed

What is the best advice you have to give:
Maintain Consciousness

How I would like to die:
Faking My Own Suicide

My soul's present condition:
Down in Flames

My Motto:
The Only Thing Worse Than Beating a Dead Horse is Betting On One

*Be My Escape - Relient K

it makes me smile

things that have recently made me smile:

>>i got a new follower (Dreaming) that doesnt know me who comments which makes me happy. and now i have a double digit following which i wanted before... even though i stopped caring bout the numbers.

>>i am soon to be the proud owner (again) of:

i used to have two, but they have both either been donated or are hidden deep in the garage and i cant find them. so i bought a new one.

>>my brothers can use big words right.

>>there are only eleven weeks left and the semester will be over, for better or worse.

>>i am exactly halfway done with a project that has taken forever. this has given me incentive to actually work on it.

>>i may not be dying from stress. actually, i think i'm just in denial, but it amounts to the same thing. kinda.

>>i am starting (albeit slowly) the refilling of my itunes. i now have enough songs that i have to scroll. yay.

*Smile - Lily Allen

they said, "i bet they'll never make it."

remember that stress thing i mentioned before?? okay well i have decided that i absolutely hate it and cant believe some of you people have been experiencing this your whole lives. two weeks and i think it might kill me. it is messing with my sleep now. grr.

so last night after not being able to sleep without dreaming that i missed my stupid senior design class and my group presented absolutely nothing because i had everything with me and so we failed both the class and lucinda, i suddenly remembered something my art teacher once said to me senior year.

it wasnt just to me, it was more to a group of us. we were sitting in art doing something artistic, or reading the story, or a combination of both. and then (i'm sure we were talking to her about school or something, or she was listening to what we were saying to each other) she says, "you guys might feel smart and do well in school, but i'm sure all of you are going to fail out of college... if you dont change how you are. procrastinating and cramming might be enough to pull As in ISA, but there is no way it will work at real universities." we of course argued with her, and the whole thing ended up with her giving us her email so that when we failed after one semester we could email her and she could say 'i told you so.'

yup, she gave the best pep talks.

anyways, one of the people she told this too has already graduated... a year early. so it obviously wasnt prophetic for her. another one moved across the world and i dont really know much (read:anything) about what she's doing, but im sure she's fine, making mrs. art wrong again. the third is going to graduate this year and be an awesome doctor and she's also working which makes the lady, once again, incorrect.

and then there's me. who's basically sailed through college like everything else without worrying or stressing or pulling a single all nighter or anything, because that was not how i did stuff. and up until now, it seemed to work. now, in my final semester, i have mrs. art's voice ringing through my head, and i have a really big feeling that i'm going to be the one she'll be right about. and i dont like the feeling. not at all. i should probably start looking for her email address. *sigh*

*You're Still the One - Shania Twain

sit me down, shut me up

i cannot for the life of me focus on my homework. this is the case study one i refused to do before. i figured i'd get that out of the way now, work on the website sunday, study for my midterm monday, and, well... thats as far as my planning went. it might be because i'm three quarters of the way done, but my brain refuses to focus. and this is the song that is my distraction:

actually, you should really watch the music video.

oh, and Someone Else, i know this is an old song. i still love it. i lovelovelove the drummer. and the lead singer is awesome, but he's najwan's.

*You Only Live Once - The Strokes

all the things that i used to say, all the words that got in the way, all the things that i used to know, have gone out the window

i hate how i simply cant follow through on anything i say (to myself, not to other people). for example, following a recent almost nervous breakdown caused by a stupid professor and stupider group, i said i would concentrate all my free time on actually doing work. yup, i was going to not procrastinate. the planets were going to align and pigs were going to fly, and i was going to do it. i was going to not read anymore fun books (except on thanksgiving break) and instead concentrate on all of the school related reading ive been putting off. i was going to stop writing all the random stuff i write and instead write stuff i should be writing for school. i was going to wake up early on fridays to make the day productive. i was going to avoid blogger because i become unaccountable for time the second i log in. i was going to finish this semester completely unstressed because i would be on top of everything.

instead, i bought a new book the other day that just got shipped yesterday and should be here in five to seven days according to the website. i'll read it the second i get it. i bought a whole new notebook for writing random stuff in, ostensibly so that i wont waste my note taking notebook and ill have room for notes, but we all know it was just so that notes wouldnt get in the way of writing. today is friday, i turned off my alarm and slept until nine thirty. i havent looked at work yet and it's almost ten thirty. i'm obviously back on blogger. i can feel the stress (a foreign feeling before this semester, let me tell you) bubbling up inside of me while i try to push it down and adamantly ignore it.

i'll get around to everything eventually.... right??

*Out the Window - Sugar Ray