am i at the point of no improvement?

and sometimes it just feels like this was all so terribly pointless, and the fact weighs down on me until it is almost more than i can take. you know those plot diagrams with the rising action going up to the point (climax) and then coming to falling action? yeah. sometimes it feels like everything i've been doing in my life, everything i've just chalked up to rising action, isn't. so i'm struggling to climb the steep slope and working hard just to put one hand over the other. then, i get to the climax and prepare to look down to another slope of falling action, but see nothing. not nothing, nothing, but that there is no fall, no new slope. the path just continues on straight. and so i look back to the slope i had just struggled to get over and realize that that was just as flat as the road ahead of me and the road stretching out on all sides.

i've been working for something my whole life, but somewhere inside of me i know that that "something" doesnt exist. it's just a mirage shimmering in the distance and i've deluded myself into thinking that all i have to do is get there and everything will be perfect. but it never gets any closer and my store of hope and optimism is falling dangerously low. everything is pointless because it will all end up the same way, no matter what i do now, if anything. so the years of education might as well have been spent practicing my gossiping skills which i'm actually not very good at if you can believe it. and those will be way more helpful to me in a couple of years than any knowledge of computer forensics.

book reading has done nothing but open my eyes to a bunch of worlds and ways of life that i will never be able to experience. they sit crowding every available space in my room and just mock the pathetic existence i have been sentenced to until a part of me just wants to pile them up into a summer night bonfire and watch their hope and freedom burn into what mine have become: nothing.

i have been trying to keep the hopelessness out of my blog lately (don't think i've been overly successful) but yeah, guess i've given up on that. *sigh*

I throw up my hands

"Oh, the impossibilities"

Frustrated and tired

Where do I go from here?

~Relient K

*For the Moments I Feel Faint - Relient K