Tuesday, March 29, 2011

i'm ashamed i think maybe sometimes i might have used tricks to make you like me more

lately i've realized that more of my posts than usual are being assigned permanent draft status. not because i don't want to post them, but because i can't. well, okay so technically i can but i feel that i can't for some reason which i guess you could take to mean that i don't want to, and now i am talking in circles. anyway, it was a shocking (for lack of a better word) realization because i have always posted whatever i wanted to on this here blog of mine. but yesterday i wrote a slightly ranting post and couldn't bring myself to hit the publish button. i couldn't figure out why. it wasn't poorly written and even had a bit of wit hiding behind a couple of sentences, but i just couldn't do it.

i thought at first that i have reached the point where too many people i know read my blog - or that the wrong people i know read my blog. maybe i didn't want to give them any access to the workings or lack thereof of my mind. but that wasn't it. the people in my life that i wouldn't want reading this thing don't know it exists. at least, i'm ninety nine percent sure they don't. then i thought that maybe it was because i knew some readers would immediately assume i was ranting about them or someone they know when i probably wasn't. but so what, right? i mean, there have been a lot of times in the past that people have asked me, "was that last blog post about me?" and whether it was or wasn't, a mocking comment about how neither the world nor my blog revolved around them usually settled the matter before they could start giving me reasonings and rationalizations that i honestly did not want to hear. why would i start caring about that now? so finally i thought that maybe i just couldn't bring myself to publish anymore whining on this thing, though that has never stopped me before and i'm not sure why it would now. i possibly wanted to pretend i am something different than i am, but i don't think so. i'm not so naive that i think not documenting a moment or feeling will mean that it never existed. and i'm not writing this blog to make people like me (though i have met a bunch of awesome people through blogging).

anyway, point is, i have no idea why i'm suddenly reverting back to my old habits of tiptoeing around everything and everyone in the one place that i don't have to do that, but i'm going to stop. aside from not mentioning names, i haven't felt the need to censor any feelings i have about people/events in the two plus years i've been spewing out every pointless thought of mine, and i'm not going to start now. from this point forward, i will go back to writing what i want. if you think i'm writing something bad about you, well then you may be too narcissistic for your own good. it probably has nothing to do with you. and if it does, oh well.

(let me direct you back to this old post that was a bit of a disclaimer about who i'll mention.)

*Left & Right in the Dark - Julian Casablancas


  1. That's why I like having one blog reader. It's like an online brain dump that no one cares about. I was terrified to see my cousin on there one day

  2. This is where I like having very few readers - but at the same time, I'd like more people just to share my annoyances or griefs with the world, whether they agree or not

  3. since i'm (thankfully?) not one of those bloggers that has hundreds/thousands of readers, it's not really the number of people reading the blog. it's more the fact that a few of the people know me in real life, too. sometimes i'll get annoyed with someone and just need to vent. i don't want to hear that person's side of the story or the motives behind their actions or apologies or anything. i don't want to talk about it at all. i just need to get it out and then i can move on with my life. i guess it just started to seem like i couldn't do that without a post sparking up a discussion i didnt want to have in real life.