Friday, April 29, 2011

i don't see just how i can be motivated enough to break a sweat

i have no ambition. really. none. the day humanity was taught to want to improve themselves, to work until they fulfill a goal, to aspire to greatness, i was sleeping in. or ditching class. or too busy daydreaming to pay any attention. i view life as two separate planes, or places, or roads, or whatever other analogy you want to use. one of these is dreamland (i'm not talking about pigs flying or anything, just stuff that could possibly happen if i decided to try and make them), and the other is reality (or what will happen if i go through the rest of my life lazy and coasting on my awesome/awful ability to get by without actually doing anything). i'm caught somewhere in between. i won't work for the first but refuse to settle for the second.

in all honesty, i'm too temperamental to actually do anything with my life. i can sit here and talk about wanting to write, i can learn computer forensics from fbi agents, i can go through all the motions of progress, but at the end of the day none of that will matter. i'm just too moody. i cycle through apathy, cynicism, and optimism too fast. before i have a chance to really get anything done in any stage, i'm on to the next one. it's really bad. i think my writing is best when i'm cynical but write the most when i'm optimistic. oddly enough, optimism makes studying impossible, though i seem to do okay when i just don't care.

i've always been able to do well without really doing anything, and now that school may be ending for real, i don't know if that'll cut it for the rest of my life. despite the dream to do something in this world, i just can't find any ambition to spur me into action. my belief that whatever is written to happen for me will happen and the fact that i've never really worked for anything and don't think i know how have pushed me into this rut of complacency that i just can't get out of.

*Apathetic Way to Be - Relient K


  1. You had me at "I have no ambition." That whole first paragraph really.

    I used to want to make a difference, be something, or live productively at least. I wanted to join the peace corp, donate blood, and build habitats for humanity. I wanted to help, go to Africa, or even carry someone's grocery bags. I wanted to be a doctor, comic artist, and run a coffee/book shop simultaneously. And now? The thought alone seems like a memory from someone else's dream. So I guess this means I used to have ambition, someone just took it from me.

    It feels sort of like running up a sand dune, you're trying so hard to get to the top, but you're not getting there. You can't feel your feet anymore, and everything hurts, but it's numb too, so you're at a loss- both emotionally and physically.

  2. i like the sand dune metaphor. a lot. and since you had ambitions once, i have hopes that you will again. i think you should launch an investigation, find the thief, and get it back. you can only float along without it for so long before its absence get suffocating.

  3. your first paragraph said it.

    I always felt that I was weird for not being one of those people that said, "I have to be something by the age of 22," or whatever. As if they felt they owed the world themselves and in turn the world owed them something, I don't know. But I never had that ambition or drive, sure I'd like to be a "someone" out there. But who am I kidding, the probability of any sort of fame is slim to none. So why kid myself in the first place by telling myself that in this world of billions and billions of people I'd be lucky enough, 'cause god knows I lack greatly in all aspects of skills, to get to the top.

    It's not to say that I don't lament time and productivity as each day passes. But I always had an idea of my figurative future. I know I'm being cynical but only optimists say that being a cynic is awful. Why should I take their word for it? I jest. But I'd like to think that I'm well aware of the reality of things.

    Maybe I'll join the pack of thieves that steal people's ambition, fire, drive, pixy dust, etc.

  4. i'm not even talking about fame and fortune. being "someone" and "making it" is so far out of my realm of possibilities that i can't even imagine it anymore. i'm not sure if i ever really did. even the small ambitions like finishing college, getting a job, etc. i mean, yes, i do have a college degree and am closing in on a second, but i didn't do this because of some desire to improve myself or my life through education. i did it because it was expected of me, and i live my life through the paths of least resistance. that is sometimes confused with drive, but it's not. there is no ambition in me, just a ridiculous love of inertia.

  5. Yea, I know what you meant. Same here. I was just extending the invitation.