Saturday, August 27, 2011

it's so incredible that you're so rude

dear irene,

when you said you were going to visit, we, like any good hosts, immediately got ready for your arrival. we stocked up on food and water, we brought in patio chairs for extra seating, and we made sure we had flashlights and candles in case you are afraid of the dark. we've been stood up by hurricanes a lot in the past - they promise that they're coming and then send a rainstorm to make their excuses for them - but you seemed pretty sure, so we believed. you haven't even come yet and you're already the center of attention and the topic of every conversation. your visit is all anyone can talk about.

you'd think, what with the way we're all getting ready to greet you, that you'd be a bit more considerate. i mean, i get that you might knock out electricity, turn lawn chairs into missiles, and cause some serious property damage. it's all part of your shtick, and i'm okay with that. if you didn't go above and beyond, you might as well just call yourself a little black rain cloud. i get that. i'm talking about something else entirely.

this morning i signed into amazon to actually buy the things that i put in my cart two days ago to think about. and you know what i noticed? everything in my cart is suddenly a lot more expensive than it was yesterday. one thing went from twenty five to forty one dollars. i know prices in amazon are constantly fluctuating, but it's usually a few cents this way or that. i haven't seen jumps like this happen literally overnight. there's no real proof that this is your fault, but you're the one variable in a long stream of constants. so you know what? i'm gonna go ahead and blame you.

after everything we've done for you, everything we've agreed to put up with, all the money that we spent to make sure your stay here went smoothly, trying to bankrupt us is not polite. remember your manners, ma'am. i hate to say it, but if i knew you were going to act like this, i might have said we would be out of town this weekend. and then you could have just sat home alone in the middle of the ocean wondering why no one liked you. and if you decide to get offended and not show up, well, i think i'd be okay with that.

yours truly,
sarah

*Chow Down - The Lion King

3 comments:

  1. anonymous hippopotamusAugust 28, 2011 at 2:32 AM

    hilarious!

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  2. we had no electricity for 17 hours -_-

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  3. wow, really? it didn't hit us bad at all. we had some rain and wind, but nothing crazy.

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