Tuesday, February 7, 2012

makes me forget the things i never said

i am sitting here in the mason library trying to teach myself how to be unstupid and suffering from the tortuously slow internet connection that, for some reason, keeps disconnecting and being generally uncooperative. what i really want to do is to smash junior against the wall and scream at the top of my lungs and tell anyone who will listen that i give up, but, being in a library and in public, that behavior is pretty much frowned upon. grr. instead, i decided to blog out my frustrations. it was at that moment that i realized that i haven't blogged from mason in like forever. not that it makes a difference, really, but i found it significant because, despite the passing of months, i can't quite seem to shake this identity crisis, and at the moment i'm very caught up in things that i used to do but don't do anymore. no matter how stupid and seemingly meaningless they are.

but anyway, somewhere between that realization and writing this post, i wandered into the land of unposted blog posts. i have one hundred and six drafted "posts" for this blog. i find that kind of ridiculous. sure, some of them are not actual blog posts. there are notes, reminders, songs to listen to, videos to watch, and what have you. but then there are a lot of posts that i left to search for a title lyric and just never posted. there are notes on things to write when i have the time that i have never written. there are song lyrics that must have inspired a post once upon a time, but i have no idea where i was going with it. i don't even remember all of these things that i once wanted to say but never did. there is just so much half-started stuff that i'm starting to think it means more than it does. i've been rewriting an email to a friend for three years. i've been thinking about remodeling my blog for a year. i only washed half of the dishes in the sink. i am getting a phd because i refuse to finish studying. it's known in my family that i will never eat the last of anything. i am incapable of finishing things.

of course, i may just be incapable of teaching myself to be unstupid and this is my brain's way to stop trying. procrastination and psychobabble: my two favorite things to do.

*Things I Never Said - Deep Purple


  1. I feel stupider and stupider as time passes me by, no matter how hard I try and not feel that way... sucks majorly :(

  2. right? i don't know what it is, but i used to be one of the smart ones, and i'm losing that. i think i peaked early.