Thursday, May 26, 2011

hoping for the best, but expecting the worst

i will be the first person to agree when i'm called a cynic. no one ever confuses me for an optimist, and when you can't find the downside of a situation, you can bet your life that i can find it for you. despite all that, i carry around this stupid hope that i'm wrong. that things are better than they seem. that a person really can't be that bad, that selfish, that stupid. though i may not be able to kill that stubborn hope, i do manage to hide it pretty well.

but it's finally happened. the hope has died. not all the hope, mind you, just one specific point of it. and it's gone. it realized how delusional it was and went to try its luck being an accountant or something more realistic. and you know what? it's oddly liberating. the absence of hope is not a bad thing, it's a relief. it's like this responsibility i was given has been taken away because it was just too impossible, too unrealistic. a weight has been taken off my shoulder. i had been told to put the moon on the ocean's floor and keep it there, and after years of trying and trying and trying, they finally realized that you just can't do it. and there's really no point trying anyway.

i know that sooner or later the hope will spring back up again - hope is kind of like a weed in that matter - and then i'll get back out my rope and scuba gear, but until then i am free.

on a completely unrelated note, a few days ago when i was on campus, i saw this lady sweeping the grass. she was just standing in the middle of this grassy area - with no trees around or anything - with her broom. sweeping. it was weird, and for some reason she keeps popping into my head. i really wanna know why she was sweeping the grass.

*Forever Young - Alphaville


  1. anonymous hippopotamusJune 7, 2011 at 6:29 AM

    this is sad....

    and obviously she was sweeping the grass because she wanted it to be clean before she sat on it. duh! or else you know there might have been a bunch of leaves... or maybe she spilled something and wanted to clean it up... i don't see why its weird to sweep the grass....god! people can be so judgemental! :D

  2. there were no leaves, though. and this is not sad. it was a moment of great relief.