i'm in the mood to say shit that'll change people's minds

there are times when i read over stuff that i write and i think, "wow. that's actually good." and i go back and make sure that i really did write it and i'm not inadvertently ripping off someone else, and i allow myself a second to enjoy the feeling of being pleasantly surprised.

other times (sadly the more frequent of the two), i read over stuff i had written and cringe inwardly because it is an embarrassment to life itself. i remember how i wanted it to sound and how it most definitely doesnt.

sometimes, when i'm reading something i'll think to myself that my writing isnt that bad. it's not that much worse than this [what i'm reading]. there are times when it may actually even be better (rarely, but whatever), and maybe there's hope for my author dreams yet.

other times, i read something and think of how amazing it is and how i'll never be able to write anything anywhere close to that. how that is real writing and what i do is scribble in the backs of notebooks and into my blog. i see my dreams comes crashing down around me and there's nothing i can do but put out pillows and try to soften their fall. it doesnt work; it still hurts.

i want to write something amazing. something that inspires feelings that completely take over you. something that stays in your mind long after you have finished reading.

i want to write your best friend, your worst enemy. i want to capture your biggest fears and wildest dreams on paper, illustrate them into words that leave you speechless.

i want to make people stop and think. i want them to dog-ear pages to go back and read the same paragraphs over and over again, reading more meaning into it every time.

but i sit here and stare at the blinking cursor, willing myself to find words that don't exist in my head. i write the kid who sits ignored in the back of the class, and read words and scenes that i wish i could think of.

and yes, i know that i should write without putting so much pressure on the words to be perfect, but i am in the mood to write magic, and it remains unreachable.

*War Sweater - Wakey! Wakey!